A New Jersey man was out walking his dogs on the beach recently when he came across something peculiar. It was a message in a bottle, with a note explaining that it had been sent adrift into the Atlantic Ocean by a man named Stuart, possibly from England.
We don’t know how old the message is yet, but one can only assume it’s from a desperate Briton who’s nervous about Brexit. But look, Stuart, we’ve got our own problems here in the US, okay?
For those unfamiliar, the island of England is 50,000 square miles of beautiful land and has a rich tradition of liberal democracy. But the country was sent into turmoil recently after the majority of its voters decided to break away from the European Union. The pound is crashing and people are nervous. So it only makes sense that people might want to send out SOS messages in bottles.
“It was probably a whiskey bottle, scotch or something, sealed with a screw cap,” Vince Stango, the man who found the bottle, told the Asbury Park Press. “I brought it home and I was going to break it open, but when it warmed up the note opened so you could read it without breaking the bottle.”
The message—which also came with two phone numbers and an email address, according to the Asbury Park Press—was this:
“Found the bottle? Read this note? I’m Stuart, if you wish, call or mail me. Speak or mail soon. England Stuart.”
The bottle has to be somewhat recent, given the fact that the note has an email address intended for whoever found it. But Stango’s messages to the addresses have so far gone unanswered.
But it’s just as well. Because I don’t know if you’ve heard, but we’re kind of going through our own “thing” here in the US right now, Stuart. We’d love to help, but our recent presidential election has installed a regime with rather... fascist tendencies.
Maybe try aiming for Canada next time? It might be a bit icy this time of year, but they seem to be better equipped to help foreigners at the moment. Or try back in four years? Hopefully we’ll still be a country by then.