It seems like every other week a new robot restaurant opens in China. Meanwhile, you know who hasn’t opened a robot restaurant in basically forever? America. That’s right. Forget our students’ math test scores and our number of fighter jets, China is eating our lunch in the only area that really matters. And that lunch is being served by a robot waiter.

During the first Cold War, policymakers used to refer to the missile gap. It was the fear that the Soviet Union had more nuclear weapons than us. But now that the Soviets are no more — not to mention the fact that the United States could blow up the entire world many times over with our current stockpile of nukes — we have a much more pressing concern: The robot restaurant gap with China.


You might be saying to yourself, but Matt, robot restaurants are a dumb gimmick meant to distract the ignorant masses while hiding sinister technological advances that endanger the world. Why should we be building robot restaurants? Well, they said the same thing about NASA. And then we went to the fucking moon. Makes you think.

If we let the Chinese win the robot restaurant race, we’re basically surrendering the automated future. I mean, take a look at the latest robot restaurant that just opened in Yiwu, Zhejiang province.


No, take a closer look...

Those are guns. Big robot guns that you didn’t even see the first time because robots are so stealth. In conclusion, America needs more robot restaurants and it needs them quick. This is more important than the Manhattan Project and the Space Race and Benghazi combined. Please call your congressperson and demand more robot restaurants.


Photos: Little Blue (blue) and Little Peach (pink) at a robot restaurant in Yiwu China via Getty Images